Death Worship

This has been coming for a while. Not just with this forum, but the furry scene in general. It doesn't do for me what it used to. And as for this particular forum, maybe it was inevitable with a forum that's a replacement of a replacement of a thread on another forum. The numbers stare you in the face, and they don't lie when they tell you people have moved on. That in itself would be kind of depressing, but I could cope with it if not for the sheer weight of the angry, depressive posts on that little chunk of the past people are still clinging too (by that I also mean forums in general, which seem quaint and in a losing battle in the face of things like Facebook). In my own private conversations and the occasional chat (which I also distanced myself from for similar reasons), there was always this urge to put the blame on one, maybe two people, and the target would shift whenever it was convenient, and frankly it's not fair to them. A lot of people are part of it. That's not an excuse. To someone like myself, who actually is depressive and potentially suicidal, my gut instinct is to turn away, so I'm listening to my gut for a change. But my gut also tells me most of it is empty grabs for attention, which is frankly insulting to those of us who've actually been there/still are and would rather keep it where it belongs - to yourself and people who can actually help instead of feed into it.

I don't have many of those people. My girlfriend is one, and probably the one who has stuck by me the longest if you don't count these people that are "there for you" really only when it's convenient for them, and even then more because they need you to be there for them. Their needs, their moods, their issues, all on you. That's not even just a fairweather friend, that's a lousy friend. I don't need that, and with how much of myself I give to people and put up with from them, for them to turn on me the moment things aren't happening for them or me, to them I have to say maybe you should look in the mirror when your problems plague your mind, because that's largely where the source lies. It's just as true of me. The difference is I'm honest about it, but realistically, that's because I've long since run out of much if any escape from that fact. Now, my girlfriend wanted to join, because she wanted to be involved in something I was part of. I never asked her to. I was feeling really good about that, along with the other people I think I helped bring over (Foxy Boy not withstanding - seriously, sort your fucking life out and stop projecting it onto me. It's so God damned blatant I think even people who hate my guts would see that and that I'm not nearly as "lost" as you think I am, for what problems I do have). For her to take one look at the intro forum she was about to post in and say "fuck that" certainly did a hell of a lot to take the wind out of my sails, but it's not like I'm pissed at you guys just because of that.

It might also shed light on things to point out that, like me, she'd grown weary of forums in general because they all seem to degenerate into what I see here, which is a tiny fringe group, to the point that the lack of diversity makes for a toxic atmosphere. When I said "a new forum is supposed to basically equal a clean slate", that's essentially what I meant.

And this might be kind of cryptic, but the person it's addressed to will know who they are. Kid, get some fucking perspective. Yes, you feel like your family doesn't understand or accept you, or at least the "true" you. I felt the same way, and largely still do. But like my own family, yours has helped you a lot. Just to illuminate how much, I got my First Act guitar as a Christmas present because I truly could not think of anything cheaper to ask for that I'd actually use, and they've helped out with lessons, which are dirt cheap on their own but do add up. I bought my first proper electric guitar, and will probably buy the amp for it. IIRC, your dad bought you yours, and then went out and bought you a bass when you decided you wanted to play that. I'd love that, but what I'd love even more is to stick with something for a change, get good at it, and earn whatever success it brings. If you and the band your in take off, you'll owe a lot of it to him. Me, probably what I'm really going to get out of taking up music is when I go back to school, at least people will think I've been doing something with my life in between, but whatever the outcome, I'll at least owe my family the fact they raised me and more or less accepted me even though I'm not biologically theirs, don't look like them, don't really belong to the same ethnicity, and don't pretend otherwise.

The point is, you have some issues because you have to "pretend" about one thing, and I have some issues because of a lot of things I can't pretend my way around even though I often wish I could. And I never put nearly the same demands on you out of those as you did on me. Neither do a lot of people. Think about that the next time you're wallowing in the manifestations of your angst, whether it be your suicidal ideations, communicating with your "therian" aspect, or obsessing over sensationalized junkies you'd rather join than embrace the life and future they threw away.