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Join date : 2011-10-20
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PostSubject: my side of things   Tue Oct 13, 2015 9:56 am

Since I have a feeling these furries are going to drag their ass getting here like they drag their ass on everything, fine, as usual, I'll be the bigger man and start first because I'm getting really fucking bored here and would like to either sleep or do something less stupid than be here.

Let me just shed some light on what I've done in the past day or so. I finally drew Red. It was just a rough sketch I'll probably not complete but it was a start and I think it easily looked as good as the more recent fursonas I did for myself and my ex if not better. I played through the first two Double Dragons in one sitting to jog my memory for a Double Dragon tribute thread on Weasyl. I posted a tribute thread for Terminator and finally hashed out an idea for what a really good T-1000 successor might be like, something I meant to do since I was a kid.

I also talked extensively with Red's mom and found myself in the usual position of her being tired as hell but not getting offline and wanting to tell her to get some rest but inevitably I end up staying on because it does us both a lot of good. I've come to really respect, admire and I think I feel safe saying love her over the past few months. As time goes on I notice a change in her, and myself. I don't think we're nearly as depressed and angry as we were although obviously she has a much longer and perhaps incompletable road to recovery. But I intend to stick with her for as long as she wants/needs me there for her. Because if my own mother had done the same for me, maybe I would have been someone better than who I turned out to be. But I can learn anything, it seems, if I can teach myself not just how to play several instruments at increasing skill levels but even the music theory behind each song I listen to and now work towards writing myself.

I have a series of moleskin notebooks on the go, every plan, personal thought or project worth thinking about, I basically think out loud, sometimes literally if I opt to use my dictating machine instead. It goes into there, it gets burned into my brain, and more often than not I don't even need to refer to my notebooks or recordings to remember something because what I have now are essentially some very good study habits that I just use to learn what I want instead of what someone else would want to learn. But a lot of what goes on there, ends up coming back online. And if my posts seem a little more, I dunno, articulate, well-paced than they used to, that would be why.

So does it sound like beefing with a bunch of my friends was what I set out to do initially? Of course not. That entire podcast was supposed to be yours. That's what I never told you guys originally, because I didn't know if you'd even like what I came up with. But if you did, that's when I was going to give credit where it was due and thank you for having inspired it and me. And then the shit hit the fan.

I feel a lot of what I have seen in that chat is a disservice to Red, Milo and ourselves. I thought it for a long time. I stopped being able to stomach it around the time I went off my antidepressants because they weren't helping anymore, had to go through the withdrawals which I'm only now starting to get over. So yes, that turns you into a hostile, bitter asshole, even if you're not contending with people talking behind your back, trying to rally your own friends against you, trying to use your dead friends against you which to me is just as bad as the opposite route of canonizing mere mortals which is another thing I grew tired of.

I'd much rather be just entertaining people with stuff about Terminator, Double Dragon, and yes more serious shit like politics and social issues. You were never supposed to factor into this before and honestly I've had to do more work and thinking than I already do to decide how to sandwich it in there with literally everything else I'd want to get out of the way in the first few episodes. So without being too calculating, yes, it would be pretty advantageous to me if I could avoid that. The problem is I'm not sure what other choice I have but to let this shit continue unopposed and unspoken of.

The way I see it, when you start meddling too deep into people's personal affairs, you forfeit some of your own right to privacy and dignity. Because unfortunately, it often has to be the price paid just to prevent more of the same. I'd never turn you into another Chris Chan because I'm completely against shit like that, but there's plenty of less extreme ways to talk about people and the bad shit they do. And I needed to make it perfectly fucking clear that, since it's almost resulted in my suicide, fucking me is playing with fire. Because otherwise, people will keep doing it. They love fucking with me. And I think you guys have grown a little too fond of blaming me for shit, and I think it's because after what happened with people like Butters, I look like some sucker who will do or tolerate anything for a friend.

I was, but no longer. Look where it got me. Nowhere. The fact none of you give two fucks less about me or any of this shit I said is actually secondary to the actual harm it could have caused to my family, who I am also desperately trying to mend ties with in spite of decades of physical, verbal and psychological abuse. Every day, people die over this shit. I nearly became one.

You remember how you felt about Milo when he died, even if you didn't like him at the time? Are you looking to relearn that lesson? Did you even learn the lesson I did from it? I feel like we may as well be fundamentally different types of human now.
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PostSubject: Re: my side of things   Tue Oct 13, 2015 6:11 pm

Withholding comments on anything else you've said here, I think that your attempt to use Milo's death to manipulate people into giving you your way is probably the most disgusting thing I've seen all year.

I'm going to ban you permanently.

And before you ask, yes, I am well aware that that's completely stupid and pointless on a forum that's been dead for three years. I don't care.

Hello furriend! Have you heard the good news about our lord and savior, knot?
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PostSubject: Re: my side of things   Tue Oct 13, 2015 10:03 pm

I don't even know if you'll bother reading anything here after being banned, I hope for your sake you don't, but if you do I have something to say.

I'm not involved in this dispute or whatever it is. I've never had a problem with you Wolfbone, not a real one anyway. Not until now. I didn't really understand your point of views on things and didn't really feel like we'd be friends, but I always left you be because you never bothered me directly. There are still message logs in my pmbox of nights that Milo would come talk to me, needing to be calmed down, after you guys had some spats and even then I never blamed you for starting those and never let those make me think bad of you. In fact I thought pretty positively of you, reading your thoughts back in that thread on FAF

I cannot fucking believe what you just tried to pull right here. Whether or not you learned to appreciate him after he was gone, the way you are using him now is vile. From that admission of your own, you least of all people, get the right to use him as a guilt trip and yet you are. Who's really using the deaths of friends? I've seen the chat lately, it hasn't been happening in there.
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PostSubject: Re: my side of things   Wed Oct 14, 2015 5:32 am


Sing me sweet serenades
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