Why Do I Keep Going?

I asked myself this just now, and the only reason I can think of is a blind and stubborn instict of going on. No other reason. I took a step back today and looked at my life. I have 1 real friend, only one and I think im loosing her ala Yoko Ono and John Lennon to Paul McCartney, me being Paul. My body is slowly falling into disrepair and into worse health, everyone wont stop yelling in my family, my dads side and moms side hate each other and because im trying to stay nuetral it affects me the most because I take flak from all directions. The other day I thought of killing myself just because it might bring my family together for a bit, but now I look back on today, when I was smiling and I ask myself now, why do I smile, and I can't answer that, not in a philosophical way, not in a mental way, not in a physical way. But out of all the questions I've asked, this one stumps me the most.

blackfuredfox wrote:

The other day I thought of killing myself just because it might bring my family together for a bit

As someone who has had that exact same thought for that exact reason, all I have to do is remember when my grandfather died. Yes, it brings families together for a bit - a bit. After that, they're back to hating each others guts. Shit, my other grandfather (on my dad's side) actually did commit suicide, and while they are a very close family, it's an incredibly codependent, mutually destructive kind of closeness. So the way I see it, suicide only has two likely outcomes in how it effects families, neither of which are good.

Wolf-Bone wrote:

blackfuredfox wrote:

The other day I thought of killing myself just because it might bring my family together for a bit

As someone who has had that exact same thought for that exact reason, all I have to do is remember when my grandfather died. Yes, it brings families together for a bit - a bit. After that, they're back to hating each others guts. Shit, my other grandfather (on my dad's side) actually did commit suicide, and while they are a very close family, it's an incredibly codependent, mutually destructive kind of closeness. So the way I see it, suicide only has two likely outcomes in how it effects families, neither of which are good.

I looked at it, seeing just everyone together for those couple of weeks, or even days or hours, as enough time. Just so things would calm down and they yelling would stop and only be whispers. Even if I didn't get to see it, just knowing before I did it, would have made it painless.

blackfuredfox wrote:

I asked myself this just now, and the only reason I can think of is a blind and stubborn instict of going on. No other reason. I took a step back today and looked at my life. I have 1 real friend, only one and I think im loosing her ala Yoko Ono and John Lennon to Paul McCartney, me being Paul. My body is slowly falling into disrepair and into worse health, everyone wont stop yelling in my family, my dads side and moms side hate each other and because im trying to stay nuetral it affects me the most because I take flak from all directions. The other day I thought of killing myself just because it might bring my family together for a bit, but now I look back on today, when I was smiling and I ask myself now, why do I smile, and I can't answer that, not in a philosophical way, not in a mental way, not in a physical way. But out of all the questions I've asked, this one stumps me the most.

ah yes. if I had a dollar for every John Lenon that got Yoko Ono'd on me... I'd be rich as all hell.

but uh, coming from a (what is it, 3-4 years now?) friend, you wouldn't just be bringing your family together...

MiloTime wrote:

blackfuredfox wrote:

I asked myself this just now, and the only reason I can think of is a blind and stubborn instict of going on. No other reason. I took a step back today and looked at my life. I have 1 real friend, only one and I think im loosing her ala Yoko Ono and John Lennon to Paul McCartney, me being Paul. My body is slowly falling into disrepair and into worse health, everyone wont stop yelling in my family, my dads side and moms side hate each other and because im trying to stay nuetral it affects me the most because I take flak from all directions. The other day I thought of killing myself just because it might bring my family together for a bit, but now I look back on today, when I wailing and I ask myself now, why do I smile, and I can't answer that, not in a philosophical way, not in a mental way, not in a physical way. But out of all the questions I've asked, this one stumps me the most.

ah yes. if I had a dollar for every John Lenon that got Yoko Ono'd on me... I'd be rich as all hell.

but uh, coming from a (what is it, 3-4 years now?) friend, you wouldn't just be bringing your family together...

I have a question for you though, how would you have know that I did kill myself? There really wouldn't have been any indication besides me not coming here anymore, unless my brother decided to send out messages to all the places I visit. All that would have happened is that I would have faded from memory.

blackfuredfox wrote:

I looked at it, seeing just everyone together for those couple of weeks, or even days or hours, as enough time. Just so things would calm down and they yelling would stop and only be whispers. Even if I didn't get to see it, just knowing before I did it, would have made it painless.

There's something really important about this you're not grasping. You only care about the temporary peace, yet you'd kill yourself to achieve it, a permanent "solution", obviously. You care enough about them that you want them to have that peace, even if only temporarily, because at least it's a break from the bullshit. That part is actually reasonable, but the thing is, after you're gone and the sentiment wears off, then what? How do they get another break? Another person kills themselves, and another, 'til no one's left? It's pretty unlikely it'd come to that, but I reckon you see my point. The point is to solve problems eventually, not just escape them temporarily.

Now, when someone wants to commit suicide because they want out of life as a whole, I have a harder time not seeing their point, in the case of people like a certain ED "Captain" who actually lived a pretty full life (how many people can say they basically gave The Beastie Boys their job?) but then became "obsolete" due to market forces and, seemingly unable to find a new role in life decided to opt out on their own terms. I'd even go as far as to call it an honorable death.

Then again, being adopted, I could be part Asian for all I know, and attitudes like that do seem to run in families. What I'm saying is, I might be wrong, and I doubt you're even that far into life yet. The more important question is, in what way were your family the authors of their own misery, and even if they weren't at all (which is pretty unlikely), how the hell do you, individually, owe them not just your life, but its abrupt end? I believe a person should die with honor, but there's no honor in dying to achieve a quick and most likely temporary fix to someone else's problem that is their own responsibility to resolve.

blackfuredfox wrote:

MiloTime wrote:

blackfuredfox wrote:

I asked myself this just now, and the only reason I can think of is a blind and stubborn instict of going on. No other reason. I took a step back today and looked at my life. I have 1 real friend, only one and I think im loosing her ala Yoko Ono and John Lennon to Paul McCartney, me being Paul. My body is slowly falling into disrepair and into worse health, everyone wont stop yelling in my family, my dads side and moms side hate each other and because im trying to stay nuetral it affects me the most because I take flak from all directions. The other day I thought of killing myself just because it might bring my family together for a bit, but now I look back on today, when I wailing and I ask myself now, why do I smile, and I can't answer that, not in a philosophical way, not in a mental way, not in a physical way. But out of all the questions I've asked, this one stumps me the most.

ah yes. if I had a dollar for every John Lenon that got Yoko Ono'd on me... I'd be rich as all hell.

but uh, coming from a (what is it, 3-4 years now?) friend, you wouldn't just be bringing your family together...

I have a question for you though, how would you have know that I did kill myself? There really wouldn't have been any indication besides me not coming here anymore, unless my brother decided to send out messages to all the places I visit. All that would have happened is that I would have faded from memory.

I pretty much wondered that myself. although I'm sure in time, people will come to realize something is wrong until eventually, someone gathers information about it.

people would miss you. the best I'd get is 2 people acknowledging my death as a bad thing, and the rest coming to my funeral just for a laugh.

trust me...

I decide to go on so that I can show up my family.
I'll do something that they never could. That is if I can move from my bed.
I'm unhealthy, anorexia is probably most of the reason to be honest.
Also my extremely low motivation to go and spend the day in a room alone with a bunch of people.
Then spend an hour alone in a building of 1600 people all equally obnoxious.
Really I've almost killed myself once, but nope intensive care brought me back.
Now I go on knowing I'm most likely smarter than anyone else in my family.

Now the only thing left is to apply it. :U

I know everything looks shitty sometimes, but life is never going to be nothing but roses and sunshine.

Sometimes if you can't find a solution to a problem, its best to just stay the fuck away. Call me heartless, but it might just be best to let your family tear itself apart. It sure doesn't sound like a "family" to me.

You should focus on your relationship with your friend, and if that goes downhill, left turn. You're never out of options. There's tons of people out there you can make friends with, you just have to put some effort into it, and don't be so hard on yourself. You sound like you have a low self esteem :/

What the bottom line is, is that suicide is quitting. If you don't make an effort to better your life it's never going to happen.

There's a whole world out there for everyone, its up to decide what you're going to do with it.

Don't forget, you only get to live once.

Foxy_Boy wrote:

I know everything looks shitty sometimes, but life is never going to be nothing but roses and sunshine.

Sometimes if you can't find a solution to a problem, its best to just stay the fuck away. Call me heartless, but it might just be best to let your family tear itself apart. It sure doesn't sound like a "family" to me.

You should focus on your relationship with your friend, and if that goes downhill, left turn. You're never out of options. There's tons of people out there you can make friends with, you just have to put some effort into it, and don't be so hard on yourself. You sound like you have a low self esteem :/

What the bottom line is, is that suicide is quitting. If you don't make an effort to better your life it's never going to happen.

Tried to say that myself, but I just ended up sounding like an asshole.
And BFF, please, don't compare Shelby to Yoko Ono. Remember what Prostitute Mickey said, "Don't you dare mention that bitch in front of me!" (the bitch referring to Ono, of course)